I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He? As in you personified your dick?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Randomize
