forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
