Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
