new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
