Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
