oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
