shes about as inviting as chlamydia
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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