i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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