Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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