I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
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