Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
