just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize