my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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