Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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