I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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