Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
