what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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