I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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