Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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