the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
