awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
