So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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