I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
