wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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