You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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