i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
