What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
