carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
I think I won the penis lottery.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
