The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
