What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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