so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize