I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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