Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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