Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
