Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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