does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
