based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize