i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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