just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
