i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
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