my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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