Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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