Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
