I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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