im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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