my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
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