I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
