found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
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