We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
