U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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