Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
this beer tastes like vomit already
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
