i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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