are you so shy because you have an std?
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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