please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
