please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I FOUND THE LEGS
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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