when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
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