That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
