there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
