Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
