discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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