hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
