I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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