my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
